


Intention

by schemingreader



Series: Intention Arc [1]
Category: Harry Potter - Rowling
Genre: Blow Jobs, First Kiss, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2010-02-21
Updated: 2010-02-21
Packaged: 2017-10-07 11:05:52
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,050
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/64549
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/schemingreader/pseuds/schemingreader
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>There are many reasons that it is impossible to be completely honest, when you are a<br/>werewolf.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Intention

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Stasia](https://archiveofourown.org/gifts?recipient=Stasia).



Intention

 

If Remus Lupin could ever be honest with himself, he would know why he was pursuing   
the friendship of his Potions lab partner. He was willing to confront his own feelings of   
guilt about the ways that his best friends had bullied the other boy. He could see that   
house rivalries were stupid and meaningless. But the idea that he could have sexual desire   
for another boy was not something he was willing to entertain. Even if he were, the   
thought that it might be the ugly outcast with an enormous nose wasn't one he would   
have allowed space in his well-organized sixteen-year-old brain.

No, when he thought about why he was being extra kind and attentive to Severus Snape,   
Remus Lupin said things to himself like "He's a bit of an awkward fellow" and "Really   
deserves better than all that bullying." Sometimes he would go so far as "He's been quite   
decent about my miserable potion making."

Though he was a teenager, Remus was capable of more subtlety than one might expect.   
He didn't stalk Snape, he didn't extend himself to make small talk with him in the   
classroom--he didn't act differently toward him than he did toward anyone else. He   
greeted him by name in the halls and said "How are you?" That in itself was enough,   
since everyone else either ignored Snape or actively teased him. Snape noticed the way   
Remus was trying to be kind to him, and it confused him.

* * *

 

Snape knew that Lupin felt guilty about the way that Potter and Black had humiliated him   
in front of most of the school at the end of fifth-year. He didn't even want to be lab   
partners with Lupin because of it. He had perhaps permanently alienated Lily Evans, his   
former Potions bench partner, by blurting out a stupid racist slur when she tried to defend   
him from the bullies in her house. He was still trying to puzzle out what he should do   
about that. He didn't want her to know how much it bothered him that she might not   
forgive him, and he would be humiliated. But it did bother him. It felt cowardly.

On this particular day, Snape was sitting under a tree on the Hogwarts grounds. He had   
warded the area as best he could. Nothing better for incipient paranoia than a little gang   
of students who are out to get you. He pulled out his journal. Good, it hadn't been   
disturbed. Severus knew that he was taking a risk, recording his thoughts. The journal   
was spelled shut so that only his command could open it. It was glamoured to look like   
his notes for a class on runes. If that glamour was ever penetrated, his writing would   
appear in Catalan rather than in English. Even so, he felt it a bit risky.

_The problem with the study of potions,_ he wrote, _is its basis in the idea that   
everything has an essential nature based on its constituent parts. By analogy one could   
come to believe that people have essential natures, good or evil, that come from their   
genetic background. This is what most people in my House believe, perhaps in part   
because our Head of House is the Potions Master._

I waver on this question. Potion making and its theory come naturally to me, and I tend to   
judge people according to those habits of mind. Considering the point carefully, however,   
I see that the mania for Pureblood superiority doesn't measure intelligence, worth or   
magical power. Evans, my only competition in Potions class, is muggle born. She is   
intelligent and brave and deeply concerned with ethical questions. She is a much better   
human being than Potter, who is an arrogant, pureblooded bully. Her essential nature isn't   
the sum of her component parts, or her genetics, or what have you.

Most of the people I know at Hogwarts are children of mixed parentage anyway, as I am.   
Children don't inherit their parents' powers. Yet I find myself constantly comparing my   
classmates to their parents, noticing that the powerful students are the children of   
purebloods.

A funny thing about Severus Snape was how rational his voice was when he wrote. You   
would never guess that he was a seething cauldron of feelings from his writing. Even he   
could recognize the irony, with his limited self-knowledge. He did it on purpose. Writing   
was calming, and he could pretend to be that extremely reasonable, well-spoken person   
he was imitating. He wished he did have this self-control, this educated voice, when he   
spoke.

But when he saw the figure of another student coming toward him, he muttered "bugger!"   
It was Lupin. Quickly he lowered the wards. The only thing more dreadful than being   
caught unawares without magical protection was being caught overdoing things, as   
though he were afraid. Embarrassing. He thought he'd had enough humiliation at   
Hogwarts to last him through the rest of his life.

"Hullo, Severus," Lupin said. He was trying to seem casual, though he'd actually walked   
a bit out of his usual route when he saw Snape's distinctive profile under the tree.

"What are you, er, revising today? Oh, Runes, is it?"

Of course, out of the whole school, Remus Lupin was the only boy who actually liked   
Runes. _Damn. Now he's going to try to engage me in small talk about Runes. Why   
does he do this? _

"Did you read the, er, chapter on sigils of protection?"

"What? Are you trying to catch me doing something Dark?"

"No, er…I didn't know that runes could be used for Dark purposes."

"Anything that can be used to compel someone to do something is Dark, Lupin." He   
glares at the other boy from under his eyebrows.

"Er, yes, right. Jolly good." Lupin began to back away.

"Sod off then, Lupin" Snape muttered under his breath.

One of the fellows in his neighborhood growing up was sent to a Quaker or Rosicrucian   
school, something like that, Snape remembered. He was a behavior problem in the local   
grammar school, so they sent him to this posh school. He was bright enough but the other   
students were all middle class or even landed gentry and mocked his accent and his   
working-class manners.

"One day," the local boy told his friends, "I had enough of that. One of them, the son of a   
Labour Party MP who had been knighted, starting having a go at me, in the way they do.   
They goad you with insults so the rest have an excuse to help thrash you. He started up   
with snide comments, again, as usual, and I bloodied his nose for him. I bashed his head   
against the gymnasium floor, must have been fifteen times."

"Did he cry?"

"Oh no. Finally he looked up and said, 'You working-class chaps are all so physical.' So I   
thumped him again."

They all laughed.

Snape wasn't even meant to be listening to the story. He was never quite welcome to hang   
about the other boys his age. If he was quiet and didn't say anything, they tolerated him.   
Since he was thirteen, it got a bit better. He started smoking and they bummed fags off   
him. He leaned against the wall and didn't look at anyone, and just was there.

He figured when he got to Hogwarts that no one would care about class, but of course   
they cared everywhere. "Jolly good," he mocked Lupin to himself. "Silly arse." He hated   
them all: muggles and purebloods, working class toughs and middle class arseholes.

It was impossible for Snape to recapture the posh voice of his journal at this point. He felt   
divided. Everyone in Slytherin house was either a pureblood aristocratic type or   
pretended to be one. He had mainly pretended, but it hadn't worked. He never fit in at   
home and he didn't fit in here.

_Lupin is actually a decent fellow_, Snape admitted to himself. _A bit of a   
coward and a prat for always going along with his friends._ He looked so guilty and   
uncomfortable with them all the time. Maybe he just felt guilty about things. He was that   
kind of person, the kind who feels guilty and doesn't act. Lupin had the posh accent and   
the self-control Snape admired, but Snape despised the way it looked on him. _But if   
he wants to be kind to me, why shouldn't I let him? It's not as though anyone else is._

But he wants something, doesn't he, Shape's inner voice told him. _What could he   
want from me? Is it going to be another prank? If he wanted to hurt me, he could have   
drawn a wand on me just now. _

They're all afraid of him, though. They never attack except in a group, he's noticed. Lupin   
was nervous, but he didn't have a wand out. He didn't seem hostile, either.

They do stupid things with their magic, anyway. Showing a person's underwear, or using   
magic to make people smell like shit, why even bother? True, Snape has been humiliated   
by these pranks himself, but he thought,_ they could have beaten me instead of hexing   
me, they could have taken off my clothes by force, and it would be the same result. But   
it's not cool to do it by hand. Arseholes._

Why not use magic for something really gory, like magical stab wounds, then? Snape   
used to admire one of the lads at home who carried a shiv in his sock. Couldn't do that   
here, of course.

This doesn't tell him anything about Lupin's intentions though. Well, he could just keep a   
hand on his wand all the time. If Lupin was a decoy for the other three, Snape would be   
ready. If Lupin was after something else, he'd just have to figure that out as he went   
along.

* * *

 

In the meantime, Remus Lupin was back inside the castle and completely bewildered.   
_What the hell just happened there? Why did Snape get angry with me for observing   
that he was studying Runes? He's so strange. I guess I was trying to impress him, a bit,   
with having done the homework ahead. I like Runes, I never get to talk about that with   
anyone. I was hoping that since Snape is a studious sort, like me, we might get to talk   
about some real things._ He climbed the stairs toward the common room, and the   
other Marauders.

_Well, he doesn't have much of a reason to trust me. I knew that. It's going to take a bit   
of patience to draw him out. If I'm very kind to him, he'll be suspicious, but if I just keep   
treating him like I would anyone…_

Oh God no, they're at it again. Someone had the idiotic idea that Sirius and James   
should see Monty Python and the Holy Grail over the summer, and they'd started reciting   
whole scenes from the movie in Gryffindor common room every evening.

"I'm not dead yet." Sirius squeaked in a silly voice. "I feel happy!"

"Oh God, can't you please stop it!" Remus said under his breath. James grabbed him by   
the neck and began to mess up his hair. "James, please!"

"What's happened, didn't you work off some of this during Quidditch practice?" Remus   
looked at Peter. Peter had learned a charm that allowed him to bounce off the floor and   
not return right away. Sometimes his friends were very annoying. Remus headed up the   
stairs to the dormitory, as James began to recite "You silly k…nigets! I wave my private   
parts at your auntie!"

He shut the door behind him, crawled into his bed and pulled the curtains shut. _I'm   
freezing,_ he thought, pulling the blankets over him and the pillow over his head.   
_In a minute maybe I'll wank or something._ But in a minute Remus was asleep, too   
tired to even put a hand under his testicles. It had only been two days since the last full   
moon.

"Oi, Moony, don't miss supper!" He woke to Sirius yanking back the curtain and gently   
shaking him by his shoulder. "All right there, mate?"

He knew he looked like hell again. "I'm coming down, wait a minute." Remus tried   
casting a charm so it wouldn't look like he'd been sleeping in his clothes, but he was not   
very good at that one. Fine. He was a boy, what difference did it make.

 

* * *

 

Snape was watching for Lupin, for some reason, and saw him enter the Great Hall late.   
_Gods he looks bad. If we were back in Spinner's End, I'd be wondering if he were on   
heroin. _

Maybe he is on heroin. Look at him. He's really thin, his face is pale, he has dark circles   
under his eyes. He looks like he's about to nod off. It's either heroin or some wizarding   
potion that's just like it. Snape never thought about that, but of course you could   
synthesize the effects of addictive drugs using magic. _I bet I could cook something up   
and sell it. Plenty of people in my house would buy it. _

Maybe that's what he wants from me: drugs. He examined Remus as carefully as he   
could without being noticed. _Maybe I can help him get off of them, the poor sod.   
There's got to be some kind of methadone potion. Of course he'd have to pay me   
somehow, I wouldn't just do it for free. _

Remus looked up and saw Snape watching him. _Well, at least he doesn't look totally   
hostile and paranoid. He seems to be…considering something. What if he's figured out   
that I'm a werewolf?_ The fact that his dorm mates figured it out wasn't so surprising,   
as they were actually with him all the time, and he knew they were his friends before they   
told him they knew about his lycanthropy. He had a brief moment of panic and then   
slowed his breathing and calmed himself down. _He would look very hostile and   
paranoid if he had figured it out. Maybe he's considering talking to me, or something.   
Ha!_

He was surprised when Severus actually did stop to talk with him on the way out of the   
hall.

"Lupin, are you planning to study for Runes this evening?"

"Yes, I was going to use the library. Because of the dictionaries." _ I suppose it wasn't   
necessary to say why I was planning to be in the library. I mean, of course. He's going to   
think I'm an idiot._

"Would you mind some company?"

"No, not at all, that would be…that would be nice." He was about to say "delightful" but   
realized that Snape would feel mocked. Wow, that was really suave, "would you like   
some company"! Maybe the suavest thing he has heard out of Snape's mouth, ever.

Snape was also amazed at himself. He meant to be threatening, like he knew Remus'   
secret, and instead he sounded friendly. Well, all right. He would have an opportunity to   
ask some questions while they studied.

* * *

 

At 8:30, Snape found Lupin at the back of the library. Remus had spread his things out on   
one of the tables and beckoned to Snape, though he's the only one there. On a stack of   
parchment, Remus had begun making notes and drawing the runes.

Coming around the table to look at Lupin's work, Snape asked "Do you mind?"

"No, go ahead."

Snape had finally hit his adolescent growth spurt over the summer, and from his new   
height had to squat to bring himself to the same level with the seated Remus. To brace   
himself, he put an arm around the back of Remus' chair. His head, still damp from the   
shower, was level with Remus'. Remus felt himself blushing, and…getting hard? What   
the hell? He slid one of the books into his lap as surreptitiously as possible. _It's just   
because I was too tired to masturbate this afternoon. It's pathetic to be a teenaged boy.   
_

Snape surreptitiously checked out Lupin's arms for track marks, but saw none.   
_Though I suppose if it's a potion that duplicates heroin, he might not inject it._ His   
arms were not as thin and wasted as he expected. He was actually surprisingly muscular,   
but his face looked exhausted. _Maybe I'm wrong about the drugs thing. I don't want to   
make an arse of myself. I'll just keep my eyes open and see what he does. After all, if he   
wants to get drugs from me he'll have to let on, eventually. _

Remus devoted his attention to drawing a rune. He didn't examine his desire to impress   
Severus with his runes skills, but he knew he drew them well. At least this way he   
wouldn't have to talk and say something foolish.

"Is that meant to be _mawnaz_?" Snape said abruptly.

"Meant to be?"

"Your writing is almost like calligraphy."

"Thank you."

"It's not a compliment. Doesn't that change how you project magic into them? You are   
putting too much effort into making them…pretty."

"It's not that much effort. I don't think it affects the magic. We could practice."

"Do you know the Sigil Game?" Snape takes a chair next to him.

"No, what's that?"

"You open the runes book and choose a rune charm at random, then I'll do the same and   
we'll see what happens. Don't they play that in Gryffindor?"

"No, I've never heard of it. What do you mean, at random?"

"I mean, pick one, don't translate it-- just draw it."

"Do they work without intention?"

"If you do them correctly, supposedly they do. We'll find out."

They put a dictionary upright between them as a screen. Remus, ever honorable in games   
with rules, had chosen, at random, a rune he does not recognize. Snape, ever cagey, had   
selected a rune charm before their meeting, one that is to make enemies reveal their   
secrets. After Remus had cast a charm to dry the ink, they exchanged parchment.

The color drained out of Remus' face.

"What's wrong?" Snape asked. _Does he really know them all that well?_

"Did you intentionally pick the rune to make enemies reveal secrets?" _He does!_

Lupin could see that Snape was impressed, but he felt both too worried and too hurt to   
care. He tried to cover the worry by looking up the rune Snape drew in the back of the   
book.

"Oh, see, you're off by just a little…" Remus could hear the intense relief in his own   
voice. "Look, you've drawn another similar one?" He flipped the page, and blushed.   
"Your rune is actually closer to the one to make a lover reveal his or her feelings."

"What?" Snape looked surprised before he remembered that he shouldn't.

Remus felt himself flush. "Did you do it on purpose? Do you really think I'm your   
enemy?"

"Oh, come on, Lupin. I just wanted to know why you're being so nice to me."

"You are such a paranoid bastard, Snape!"

"I thought maybe…"

"What?"

"Do you…do you have a drugs habit?"

"What? No! Why did you think that?" Lupin was smiling, looking relieved.

"Because you're terribly thin and pale, you always look exhausted, and you are out of   
class with some illness or other all the time. I thought maybe…you wanted me to help   
you get a fix."

"It's not as though you look so healthy yourself! Why would I come to you to get a fix?"

"I'm good with potions, and also…"

"Also?"

"When I'm home on holiday I could get them."

"What, are there are a lot of illegal Muggle drugs where you live?" Lupin laughed.

"Why, where do you think I live?"

"On some grand estate for wizard aristocrats somewhere."

"It's a bit more like a council estate, for Muggles."

"Oh."

"My parents own their own house, it's just…it's a bit rough there. An old mill town. A lot   
of men made redundant, a lot of people on the dole." Why was he even telling him this?   
Is it something to do with the rune spells? Snape scowled, unconsciously clamping his   
lips shut.

"Oh, I never would have guessed that, not from the way you talk or anything. Do   
you…would you like to see what I've drawn? I really did pick it at random so I'm not   
sure, we'll have to look it up." He didn't like the way Snape looked so chagrined.

Lupin's sigil was perfect, no mistaking what it was. It was a sigil to make a man fall in   
love with another man.

"Ah, so that's what you want. I knew it was something. Awfully decent of you, old chap,   
not to just pull me in the showers." Snape teased Lupin with his fake posh accent.

"No, Severus, I didn't mean…I didn't cheat."

"It's all right Lupin. Can't say I think much of your taste, old man." He leered at the   
blushing boy and laughed.

Remus laughed too because he couldn't help it. He drew a sigil to make Snape fall in love   
with him! _I guess this makes us even. He's never going to let me live this down._

"Really, Severus, I didn't do it on purpose, " he said as seriously as he could, before they   
both began laughing again.

"Well of course you didn't. After all, it's not as though you would be attracted to old   
Snivvy." Snape kept up the fake accent, but Remus could hear tightness behind his   
joking.

"Oh, you're not so…I mean…"

"Are you queer then, Lupin?" Snape said in his normal voice, and moved closer to him.

"I didn't think so, but I suppose I might be…" he said breathlessly. _What did I just   
say? Oh this is absurd, are we going to…_ Snape leaned toward him, and smoothly   
tipped Remus' chin toward him with one finger, and then kissed him, full on the mouth, a   
soundless, gentle kiss. _Snape knows how to kiss! I had no idea! He didn't even bump   
our noses together!_

"Your sigil worked, I think, Severus." He looked right at Snape, who ducked his head. "I   
didn't know…

"What?"

"I had no idea that I…that I felt this." Then Remus imitated what Severus did, turning the   
other boy to face him. He didn't kiss him right away, but looked into his eyes. He thought   
of Snape as being kind of beady-eyed, but he could see up close that this was not   
accurate. His eyes were large, with long dark eyelashes, and the irises a beautiful dark   
brown color. Remus saw his reflection in the other boy's eyes, his mouth open.

Then he kissed Snape, trying to kiss as perfectly as the first time. But Snape parted his   
lips this time, bringing his arms around Remus. Oh, the feeling of their tongues touching   
almost overwhelmed Remus. Remus hadn't even done this with a girl before. The closest   
he'd come to real snogging was a kissing game at a party, and he was too embarrassed   
then to do more than smack his lips against the girl's. She was quite pretty, with a plump   
figure he liked, and sweet and clearly liked him.

_Now I'm snogging this ugly sarcastic boy instead and I think I might faint!_

Severus moved to kiss his cheek and his jaw and his neck and oh good God his ear!

"Oh my God, where did you learn to do that?"

"Snogging girls." Snape said quietly. "They do it better than boys."

"Oh." Remus felt a bit foggy now, like he couldn't think. He tried to move closer to   
Snape, feeling an involuntary desire to rub against him. The library was deserted, but   
Remus was suddenly afraid he would have an orgasm right here from having his earlobe   
licked like that. Just when he began to moan quietly, Severus stopped.

"You had no idea." Severus said in a low voice near his ear. "I think that means it was   
your rune charm that worked, not mine."

"What?" Remus, panting from the kisses, couldn't immediately understand what Snape   
was saying. "Oh. You mean it worked on me? Did my charm work on me, and yours on   
you as well? Does that mean this isn't real?"

"It means it's Dark."

"Oh. It doesn't feel Da…oh. You mean the rune charms are making us feel something we   
wouldn't. It's making us do something, so it's Dark."

"That's what I mean. I probably shouldn't tell you that because you would be willing   
to…do anything with me right now." His voice buzzed in a low register next to Remus'   
ear, and warm breath blew across the damp earlobe. Remus couldn't breathe, couldn't   
believe he could be this hard. Whatever "anything" was, he was willing.

"Oh, yes. Oh Severus, yes." Severus felt him shiver and broke the embrace, leaning back   
to look at him, unsmiling and serious.

"But you might hate me afterward. You might not really be queer, you know."

"Or you might not be."

"No, Lupin, I don't think that's a question. I've snogged girls but I'm queer. I like boys."

"Oh." _He's brave_, Remus thought suddenly, maybe nonsensically. "But you might   
not, er, fancy me. Really. So we have to destroy the runes, or we won't be acting under   
our own free will."

_He looks disappointed, not angry with me_, Snape thought. _I shouldn't have   
told him though._

Without waiting for Snape's response, Remus picked up the two pieces of parchment—  
Snape's, too—and cast a careful "Incendio!" on them in the metal wastebasket by their   
table. The signs flamed up and disappeared, staying in the air a minute after the paper   
was gone.

Remus looked at Snape carefully. "Could you, er, kiss me again? Just to see."

"Just to see? The librarian is going to come because you set those on fire." Snape knew   
this was not true; he had cast a distraction spell to hide them from the librarian and   
anyone else in the library, because he thought he might be doing a drug deal with Lupin.   
Convenient, that.

"Please?" Looking curiously at Snape, Remus realized that he could just kiss him. So he   
did, his own mouth opening and sliding wetly against the other boy's. _Oh. It's still   
incredible._ Remus broke the kiss to whisper, "I think I'm still willing to do…anything   
with you right now."

"I…I think I'm not."

"Oh." Remus looked crushed, but tried to put a brave face on it. "I suppose…I suppose it   
was just the charm then, making you fancy me like that. Well, can we still… can we still   
revise the runes chapter together?" Moving their chairs slightly apart, he tried not to look   
at Snape.

Snape was utterly shocked. "Why?"

"Well, I'd like to understand what happened just now, for one thing. I do need to   
understand more about how rune charms work."

"But you can do that on your own, or back in your common room. You don't have to do   
that with me."

"Yes, but I'd like to."

"Why?"

"I like the way you think about things, Severus."

"You don't have to say that, Lupin."

"Why do you think I kept trying to talk with you?"

"I figured you wanted something. Either because you felt guilty about how your friends   
bullied me, or because maybe I could do something for you."

"Like getting me my drugs!" He laughed again.

"Or like having one off with me."

"Well, I do feel guilty, that's true, and apparently I do want to have one off with you,   
though I wasn't really aware of my motivations." Remus looked embarrassed, but   
plunged ahead. "That wasn't how I was thinking about it. I thought it would be great to   
have a friend who actually likes to study. It's so uncool, in Gryffindor, to be enthusiastic   
about schoolwork. They act like we're studying something boring! This is a school for   
magic! All our subjects are about magic! There's nothing boring about that."

"So you just wanted to be friends with me because…"

"Because I just wanted to be friends. The bullying is horrid and the house rivalry is stupid   
and you seem so intelligent and brave and you care about things and you don't mind   
whether other people like you and I really like you, Snape."

It came out in a rush and Snape heard the sincerity in it, not least because Remus Lupin   
slipped up and called him by his surname. All that careful use of "Severus" didn't seem   
right.

"Oh." Severus Snape said. "Oh." He couldn't even achieve his normal ironic tone much   
less say something intelligent.

"So it really doesn't matter to me if we don't snog or whatever, even though that was   
completely brilliant, maybe it was just from the runes or something, I just…I was looking   
forward to talking things over with you."

"This is…you…"

"I know you don't trust me, and I don't blame you, my friends act like arseholes   
sometimes, but I wish you could give me a bit of a chance, you know."

"I…all right."

"All right?"

"Yes."

"Now," he said, smiling involuntarily, "I'd like to learn the theory behind how rune spells   
work."

* * *

 

At 11:00, Remus came stumbling into the Gryffindor common room.

Sirius and James were still at it, singing "We're knights of the Round Table, We fight   
when'e'er we're able…we la la la, la la la, impersonate Clark Gable!"

"Oh my sainted aunt, have you been doing this all night?" Remus said.

"Hey Moony, where have you been? You took the map."

He hadn't meant to take it, but in retrospect was glad. "I was studying Runes in the   
library."

"Oh, Runes! The excitement, be still my beating heart."

"I like Runes, all right?"

"You look terrible, Moony, why are you hanging about talking to us? Go to bed."

Remus felt tired but terribly keyed up. He lay in the bed with the curtains shut, knowing   
that he had to wank or he would explode. He tried to imagine what he always did when   
he wanked before. Before it was always a girl, someone saying his name and being,   
vaguely, warm.

He had never fantasized about a boy, and never about Snape, his hair freshly washed,   
squatting down next to him with an arm around his shoulders. No good, no good, every   
old fantasy was interrupted by his memory of Severus saying the words "You would be   
willing to do…anything with me right now" in his low voice next to Remus' ear. He felt   
lucky he came so quickly, before he could say Snape's name out loud. He wiped his hand   
and belly with the towel that he kept under the mattress and went to sleep.

* * *

 

Remus didn't want to avoid Snape and he didn't want to seek him out. Either possibility   
felt potentially incriminating. Of the two of them, clearly only he was still interested in   
snogging. Snape had gotten over that as soon as the rune spell was lifted. Right? They   
had sixth-year Potions together two days later. If he was just pleasant to Snape in the   
same way he had been, he could convey that he still wanted to be friends.

After class, he stopped for a moment to wait for Snape. He wanted to ask if they could   
meet to study later in the week. He wouldn't ask about Potions, because he always asked   
Lily for help with that. Even though Remus felt himself to be a bit of an odd duck and   
Lily was the most popular girl in their year, they had a nice casual relationship and she   
was happy to help him. She was the one who helped him find the charm to compensate   
for his red-green spectrum color-blindness. Hogwarts teachers were utterly stupid about   
things like that. It was up to the students to discover their own learning disabilities and   
find magical ways to compensate for them. If he were a teacher here, he'd…

"Oh, hullo, Severus" he said, hoping that the poor light in the dungeon corridor outside   
the Potions classroom would at least disguise his blushing.

"Lupin." Snape sneered, sweeping past.

_Ah, we're back to that again. Damn._ Remus was able to avoid looking crestfallen   
only because he'd already had so much practice with Snape's snubs.

James, at his elbow, said, "You're getting awfully chummy with old Snivvy lately."

This sounded so much like Snape's imitation of the Pureblood accent that Remus had a   
hard job not to laugh.

"Oh yes, bosom friends certainly, why we very nearly say hello to one another in the   
hallway." Remus said, rolling his eyes. "Are we going to lose house points to Slytherin if   
we get all the way to 'How are you'?"

"I don't like him," Sirius growled.

"Really, I'm sure he never would have guessed that. You'd better let it out, no good   
keeping these things bottled up."

"I can't believe you said that, Remus." James said.

"Listen, I think the whole House Cup competition is utter rubbish and we should be over   
all that feuding nonsense by this age." Remus said.

"But what about that time when Snape…" Remus cut Sirius off.

"You two used magic to expose the poor fellow in front of half the school last spring. Do   
you think at this point you can call it even and stop? Isn't there going to be a point at   
which we can all say hello to our classmates, without all this house rivalry rot?"

"You just don't understand about Snape, " James said. "He's interested in a lot of Dark   
Arts stuff."

"Oh, and you yourself are a paragon of virtue. Where did you get that spell that hangs   
people upside down by their ankles, some kind of handbook on using magic for all that is   
fair and good? If this is how you get when I merely say hello to Snape, who happens to   
be my Potions lab partner, what are you going to do if I actually become friends with   
someone in another house?"

Finally James laughed. "You're right Moony, it is a little bit of an overreaction to you just   
saying hello. It's not as though you're snogging him or something."

"What happens if I do snog someone from another house?" Remus said cautiously, to   
cover his confusion.

"Ooh, has Remus been snogging someone from another house?" Peter overtook them   
suddenly to ask.

"Is she a goer? Know what I mean? Nudge nudge, wink wink, say no more!" James said   
in his silliest Monty Python voice.

Remus worried his eyes might pop right out if he rolled them again. "Let's go to lunch,   
Graham Chapman and John Cleese, please!"

As they moved up the stairway, Remus felt the note in his pocket. Who charmed it there?   
Hanging back in the shadow of a tapestry, he opened the parchment.

_Lupin, _

Meet me behind the greenhouses at 2PM. Your Charms class is cancelled today; Flitwick   
has a bad cold.

SS

* * *

 

Behind the greenhouse! Even Remus knew that people snogged behind the greenhouse.   
He felt divided between excitement and dread. What if Snape was setting him up,   
planning to ridicule him or worse? He still didn't totally trust him. _Or maybe he just   
wants to talk somewhere people wouldn't overhear us._

After a very light lunch—Remus found he couldn't eat much—Remus went back to   
Gryffindor to brush his teeth and comb his hair. _If he does want to snog I'm not going   
to smell of haggis, and if he doesn't, then, well, good dental hygiene. _

Remus found the spot, a stone wall that shielded students from sight. Snape was waiting   
and smoking. "Would you care for a cigarette, Lupin?"

"No thanks, I don't smoke." Snape put his out.

"Well then…would you care for a kiss?"

"Oh."

Remus wondered how Snape picked up all these moves. Snape leaned down and kissed   
him, lightly and carefully, on the mouth. Remus slid his arms around the other boy,   
eagerly, and began to kiss him in earnest. After a moment he slid from Snape's mouth to   
his long throat, kissing the side of his neck. Snape pressed against him, exhaling with a   
small, nearly unvocalized sound that made Remus' cock jump in his pants.

Snape leaned back against the stone wall and brought his bent leg between Remus' legs.   
Then he began his impossibly delicate and careful assault on Remus' ear. As Snape's   
tongue finally entered his ear wetly, Remus found himself grinding into Snape's thigh,   
hanging on to his shoulders for dear life.

"Wait! Wait!" he gasped. "Wait! Oh!" He had to ask his question before he came all over   
himself.

"What is it, Lupin?" Snape asked in a low, dangerous voice next to his ear.

"Does this mean…I mean…what made you change your mind? Do you…does this mean   
you like me?"

He knew he sounded pathetic, but he looked into Snape's eyes anyway, trying to see what   
had changed there.

"You don't think people can snog and mess about without liking each other, Lupin? How   
do you think I've gotten all my sexual experience anyway? You would be amazed how   
many people in this school will try to get off with someone they don't like or even fancy.   
Especially girls, they are so curious, and it makes them feel happy to kiss someone ugly   
so they feel beautiful. "

"Oh." Remus knew his face looked hurt and worried again, but what difference did it   
make? "I wouldn't, though. I don't think you're ugly, not now that I can…not now that I   
really _see_ you."

"I heard…I heard what you said to Potter and Black about me."

"You did?"

"You stood up to them, for me."

"Not as much as I might have, though, Severus, I could have said…"

At this point Snape looked straight at him, fierce and wild and somehow hopeful. "I don't   
know what you are hiding, I know there is a secret, but I don't think you are lying to me. I   
think you really do like me."

"Severus…" Remus said, and touched his face gently, and kissed him, and then looked at   
him again. "Yes, I like you, I don't think I've ever liked anyone so much."

"How can you…why do you keep looking at me like that?"

"I just feel like I've never seen you before."

Snape kissed him and kissed him, until they were both dizzy. He put his hands inside   
Remus' school robes and pulled Remus' shirt out of his trousers and ran his hands up his   
back. Remus' skin was warm and Snape's hands were cold, but they soon warmed against   
his skin. Remus rubbed his body against Snape's, kissing every bit of bare skin he could   
reach—his lower lip, his chin, his neck, his collarbones inside his shirt. Snape began to   
lick his ear again, and they ground together, and then Snape opened Remus' trousers and   
put his hand on Remus' cock and Remus came all over his hand, crying out in pleasure.

Snape wiped them off with a handkerchief and then started to tuck Remus in. Remus   
reached for Snape's belt buckle, but Snape batted his hand away.

"Severus, please, please. I want to touch you. I want to touch you, too."

Snape averted his eyes and Remus undid his flies and took his hard cock in his hand. He   
had never touched another boy's penis. He thought: _I'll need some spit, I have nothing   
slippery here._ He started to spit on his hand and then thought, _Ugh, I hate the way   
spit dries up. I could just put it right into my mouth, that's slippery enough._ So he   
knelt down and took Snape's cock in his mouth.

He was just doing it matter-of-factly and suddenly he realized "I have his cock in my   
_mouth_!" and then he was hard all over again. Snape was groaning and gasping   
and saying "Oh, Remus, you don't have to…oh!" Remus opened his eyes and saw the   
incredible, the amazing thing he was doing, the base of Snape's cock that was sliding   
between his lips, the line of black hair from the other boy's navel to his groin. He   
realized that he himself was moaning. Snape's hands were on his head, lightly grabbing at   
his hair. Then Snape came, his cock moving in Remus' mouth and Remus ran his tongue   
over the head to feel the jets of spunk coming out of someone else's cock and he licked   
and licked and groaned and swallowed.

When he finally released him, Snape sank down to the ground next to him, leaning on the   
wall. "I can't believe you did that," he said.

"I know. I got a bit carried away."

"It was…gods." Snape put his arm around Lupin and then kissed him again.

"I must be queer because I really liked doing that." Remus said quietly. "Though I don't   
know, I think I still like girls. Is there such a thing as liking both?"

"I don't know, but I don't want you to find out." Snape smiled and kissed him. "I only   
want you to like me."

This was the closest Snape had come to admitting that he liked Remus. It was something.   
The smile was something, too. Remus wanted to look into those eyes for hours, but   
eventually, they got cold on the ground by the stone wall, and had to go indoors.

* * *

 

Six months have passed. If he could ever be honest with himself, he would know why he   
still allowed Severus Snape to grope him, to mess about with him in the dark corners of   
the castle.

Even after Severus told him, "Your secret was that you were not a human being! You   
can't love me because you aren't even a person!" while he wept his lycanthropic tears.   
Even after that, even after he could no longer speak to Snape, even after "hello" was a   
word too hard to say. They didn't say anything, anymore, but still their bodies spoke,   
some queer language.

If only Remus Lupin could be honest with himself, could tell himself that he hoped to see   
that face again, that loving face, that wild face, the true face of a person who felt, who   
could not admit to feeling, passionately hopeful about him.

There are many reasons that it is impossible to be completely honest, when you are a   
werewolf.

**Author's Note:**

> Written for Snupin Santa, December, 2005.


End file.
